[Sample of the Book]
In 1787 D.C.E. (During the Current Era), the Founding Parents gathered in Philadelphia, the City of Sibling Affection, to devise new rules for running Turtle Island, the Indigenous Persons' name for America. As in any exclusively male enterprise, the delegates spent much of their time publicly scratching their private parts, expelling oral fluids (spitoons were thoughtfully placed in every chamber), and getting lost on their way to the convention out of an obstinate refusal to ask for directions.
The Founding Parents were lifestyle bigots who frowned on out-of-wedlock births. However, the delegates' wearing of powdered wigs, ruffled lace shirts, and silk stockings evidenced a healthy attitude toward cross-dressing. Many of the Founders were Masons, a conspiratorial society of tassle-hatted retirees lusting to establish a New World Order. Concerning religion, many Founders were deists, which meant they believed in God but didn't regularly go to church, the reverse of most present-day politicians.
Strangely enough, the delegates asked James Madison to write the Constitution on principle, and forego basing it on opinion polls and focus groups pegged to passing voter concerns. During Madison's presidency, British invaders burned down the White House - even though Pennsylvania Avenue had been closed to unauthorized traffic. Madison was a close friend of James Monroe, who devised the "Monroe Doctrine," by which a youthful, charismatic president could have a discreet affair with a blond Hollywood starlet.
The Constitution's Bill of Rights, or Hillary of Rights, included the following amendments:
* Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech - except for V chips, Internet guidelines, and music warning labels.
* The right to bear arms shall not be infringed - except for waiting periods, for certain types of rifles and pistols, and for crime-plagued cities that ban all guns owned by law-abiding citizens and under-siege shopkeepers.
* "Cruel and unusual punishment" is forbidden - except for year-long, taxpayer-subsidized presidential campaigns filled with phony ads and savage personal attacks.
(Available through Crown Publishers, Inc. - a division of Random House - at bookstores everywhere, or by dialing 1-800-793-BOOK.)
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Last updated on September 10, 1996